September 21st, 2010

Hospital

So I had to go to the hospital. They told me my symptoms were close to a brain hemorrhage and I had been having seizures without even knowing it. To be entirely honest, I don't remember most of what I did or said. It's all just one giant blur. I lost a couple of months. This blog is the only record of what I did and said and whatnot. Carly dropped by a lot. I have her to thank for a lot. I hate admitting it, but I probably would have given up if not for her. I don't know what it is about her. Looking at her... it makes me want to push on. She's kind. Maybe that's all it is.

They ran tests on me. Suppose they had to come away with something because my brain wasn't hemorrhaging after all. Had to make sure I wouldn't collapse in front of the hospital as soon as I was discharged.

There's a lot more wrong with me than I initially thought. MDD. Major Depressive Disorder. GAD. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder. That one suprised me but it makes sense. OCD's about fear. Fear that you're morally tainted. Fear that everybody will turn on you for something meager you may or may not have done. It makes sense.

CPTSD.

That's the one that shocked me. Everything else I sort of gleaned. You don't often hear about regular people with PTSD. It's all just war vets recounting how they've seen thousands die. Suppose that's what's most tantalizing. When they asked me to try and pinpoint what potentially caused it... I just couldn't. Even if I could tell them exactly what went wrong, my brain wouldn't let me remember.

I'll keep updating this blog. They told me that journaling was a good coping skill, and why question the doctors?