10/10/10

ten

Carly stopped by. Asked if I was okay. Stupid question. She already knows the answer. I don't respond. Better to not say anything better to not make myself look more pitiful than I already am. She pulled my grimy sheets off of me. I haven't moved in days. You can imagine what that does to your mattress and sheets and whatnot. I've already been spoiled. There's no harm in letting myself sink further and further.

She told me that somebody's here to see me. I tell her that if it's a doctor they can just leave. It's not worth the headache. She says no, it's not. It's Jack. She brought Jack here to see me. I notice that she looks at him with barely veiled anger. He looks at me with disgust. I understand why. Look at me. Look at what you've done to me. I'm not angry at him or Carly. I'm not sad that the man I love thinks of me in this way, views me as a wretched pig. I just feel and hear the TV static in my head, dribbling out of my nose eyes ears mouth everything. I speak.

The voice that comes from my mouth is not my own. It's as if someone put a walkie-talkie in my esophagus and a teenage boy spoke out of it. The words--I can't remember them now. Do the words matter to a mouthpiece?

As I said it, Sandra who was outside the whole time pushed Carly aside and stared at me. I don't think she noticed my filth. She only heard the voice.

She stared. Her voice shook like the cedar tree's autumn leaves. She tells me that I sounded exactly like Keith.

I think I've finally lost myself. And to be frank, I don't think I can care anymore.