October 17th, 2010

Running Clouds

I should have felt light as I left the hospital. He couldn't hurt me anymore. But that's not how it went, is it? No. I shook like an autumn leaf and crumpled to the ground as soon as I was on the sidewalk. The sky had become that dark aquamarine just before the sun reared its face. Had I committed some grevious error? Logically, no. But my breath wasn't getting any deeper. What would everybody think? My mother had no qualms with our relationship. Jenny and everybody else... they were jealous of me, right? They were envious that I entered a long, long relationship, right? I lingered there for longer than I should have. But where would I go? He had been my guiding light, my North Star. I had already practiced my wedding vows ad nauseam. If it were to come to it, I would have preferred to die in his place.

It's not in my nature to live for myself. On its own, my body picked itself up and began marching. I've never actually lived by myself. Ever since we ran into one another behind my school, he's acted more like a father. He's paid for all my expenses, given me a place to live... he's never given me a chance to prove that I could stand on my own. Perhaps he's never trusted me at all. But what can I do? All I can do is depend on another person.

So I began walking to her house. She's the only one who's looked at me like I mattered. If she couldn't tell me what I should do...

...where is she?

She's not at the train station,

not at her house,

not at that coffee shop she always invited me to,

...nowhere.

It hits me then, in that way where your whole body realizes it. I run. I run with the billowing morning clouds eastward towards the woods.

Last I was here, I chose not to cross that wide, raging river. The forest was lighter on the other side. The wood where I was was desolate, swarming with bugs and all manner of beast. But it was safer to not cross the river, no? But that was the thing. I stood in front of it. I saw her bootprints that led into the water. I saw the outline of her body dragging itself through the dirt on the other side. Oh, how the wind blew then. It blew against me as I stood there slackjawed. It stung the toes and bit the nose.

...I pushed on. I pushed against the bitter cold of the river. The water coiled around me, tugging me backward, gripping my body with thousands of disembodied hands. The great aquamarine Father above, who cradled Gaia in his hands and called her his secretary punished me with the crack of the sky. Just as the water--Mother's blood streaming down from Her stigmata--became just as violent, He above screamed His shrill tones...! My eyes stung, but I could still see her engraved on the inside of my eyelids! I grasped blindly, running with closed lungs, screaming with a closed mouth, CARLY, CARLY-

A force. Something slammed into my small back. My eyes shot open, my mouth gaped to scream in agony--no sound. I was pinned against a submerged tree. Stuck underwater by the rapids.

The air had left my body despite my repeated attempts to reclaim it. I could feel myself being lost. I would also be lost in these woods. I would also disappear.

A hand.

A voice drowned out by rushing tides.

A blur.

...She was above me, yelling down.

I felt her embrace. Every time I've been hugged, it's never been warm. Like I'm watching myself be held from afar.

...I could have died there. I wouldn't have minded...

No. No, that's not right.

Why else would I have been crying?