October 7th, 2009

Nightmares

It’s currently one in the morning on a Monday. If I’ll admit something, it’s that I’ve struggled with nightmares since junior year of high school. It’s not like I’ve had a specific nightmare that’s been plaguing me for years. It’s different every time. Just now, I had a nightmare about crouching in a dark, dingy bathroom while someone… or something pounds on the door and screams in tongues I can’t understand. I’m crying hard. I can hear crows calling in strained tones. Eventually, they leave and come back. The whir of a power drill. One, two, three screws dropping onto hard vinyl tile. The door hits the ground and falls towards me. Behind it is somebody who I can’t make out because the light is hitting their back and shadows obscure their face. I can feel its eyes on me. They’re this overwhelming shade of blue that looks through everything and sees how it really is. It sees me as the meek, small animal I am in that moment. People say that even a rat will turn to fight when cornered, but what about the rats too scared to fight back? They’re eaten. Their tendons are pulled from bone in one, two, three swoops from teeth to my small body. In wheezing gasps without my lungs to help me, I cry out to it. I appeal to authority. Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop.

As I lament that the words failed to reach its ears, I don’t realize that I’ve already woken up. When did I? Even staggering over to my computer and writing all this out has that same floatiness that dreams tend to have, where it doesn’t feel like your feet quite reach the floor.

It is currently one in the morning on a Tuesday.